Friday, January 6, 2012

Eating Pants

The feeling one gets from a full stomach is wondrous.  I know very little about a lot, except when it comes to the consumption of food, a topic I think everyone should share in glorious over-consuming detail. I think it’s because consuming food is necessary, like chatting over cups of tea, in keeping us alive; and because it is a completely pleasurable form of entertainment. Overeating however is a bit of a sensitive topic. Much like the other deadly sins – jealousy, coveting neighbours wives and such, gluttony is the number one contender (let’s not forget Facebook over-sharing) as our most unappealing trait.
But we all do it. Yes you too, so save your disdain for some other disgusting bodily function like pretending you don’t fart (ever) or do those weird stinky burps where you wonder if something has died. I think it is high time we celebrate the glutton in all our over eating glory, ensuring a comfortable and safe passage for our fatty habits. The perfect solution being the eating pant. Our go to item of clothing when the tum is full and comfort is at a premium. Could you please stop shaking your head, I saw you smash many a kebab in your day. You eat like a pig. You make me feel sick. 

Being a new year and all of that, I thought I'd kick off with a handy top five most comfortable pants to wear when over-eating in a blatant disregard of all new year diety-type things. Feel free to weigh in if you think something has been missed.
1. The Qantas PJs.
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Many of us who ride zoo class wouldn’t be aware of these grey delights but holy snapping duck shit, these pants are an elasticized revelation worthy of the ticket price and snooty co-passengers. And lets celebrate for a moment the fact that they come in 2 relaxed fit sizes – L/XL and M/L. I know, I know...

2. Bonds trackies 

  Oh yes, that bit of Aussie/Kiwi (do the Chinese own it yet?) cotton generated comfort is all about happy eating. Thick elasticized bands that contain and support rather than constrict, bright cheery colours, and occasionally slimming designs that make you look like you’ve shed a kilo or two – and that’s before you’ve even been to the toilet. (Refer back to over sharing point, paragraph 1) A gluttons dream. 
  3. Nappy pants
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Those trendy overpriced nappy pants that look like you are trying to hide a weird front bum or schlep around the shops like a celebrity. Its safe to say you’ll look like a bit of a twat but you’ll be comfortable in these come what may, I don’t care how weird I look stretching odyssey. 

         4. MC Hammer pants. 
M.C.Hammer Pants
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   AAhh the 80s. We have so much to be thankful for. These pants are hands down one of the best inventions for those of over eating inclination. You almost want to (over eating permitting) do a spin in front of those portion control loving types while singing “you cant touch this.” If only you weren't so full.
   5Harem pants

   Harem pants from those lentil eating, hemp loving, reef sandal baring hippy shops. If you can bare the scent of cheap incense, and don’t mind the odd scratch of cheap cotton against skin then these bad boys are made for the over eater. They stretch for days with the fajihita expanding freedom one could only dream of. Good times.

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